Ranking British supermarkets
From ‘nope on a rope’ to ‘the shop that tests my self-control’, here lies my semi-serious ranking of the 10 biggest supermarkets in the UK.
If you’re ever looking to liven up a group conversation with debate and passionate disagreements, use this topic. Or better yet, use this very article as a way to kick things off and let the fun unravel.
10 - Iceland, farmfoods & heron
I’ve grouped these together in a sort of ‘a pretty grim selection of mostly undesirable products but ok if you fancy stocking up on stuff you’d find in Greggs or want to put on a buffet of bread-crumbed foods’ category. I do love Heron for their outrageously low-priced random weekly buys, though. A tub of soon-to-be-discontinued-flavour Ben & Jerry’s will do me just nicely.
9 - Asda
Nope. Nope on a rope.
8 - co-op
I appreciate their dividend and community fund projects. I really do. I’ll just appreciate it passively and from afar. It’s like running out of your salon-grade shampoo and having to use the 4-in-one shampoo-body wash-conditioner-shower gel sat in the shower tray instead: it’ll do, it serves a purpose and meets a need but it’s a disappointing experience with lackluster results.
7 - Lidl
Sure, if I’m after a bag of mixed salad leaves that will begin the rotting process as I drive home, I’ll go to Lidl. In fairness, I do enjoy their themed weeks and their bakery section is great. Their selection of spices, I do not.
6 - M&S
To some degree, I think we all have affectionate feelings towards marks and sparks. Kind of like an infrequently visited Great Aunt. You don’t cross paths often, but she’s been around for years, is a bit posh but friendly and warm all the same, and when you are with her, you find yourself strangely comforted.
5 - MORRISONS
The salad deli counter and seafood counter are all that are needed to justify this placement. There’s just something so cheerfully old-school about packing a tub with an assortment of retro salad items topped with fake bacon bits.
4 - sainsburys
A welcoming orange-toned branding. Great layout. Lots of niche brands. Rubbish bakery. Great range of fruit and veg. A very vanilla supermarket: widely people-pleasing but not majorly exciting.
3 - ALDI
Like a moth to a flame, I’m pulled towards the middle aisle and before I know it, my regular looking basket filled with pasta, salad and cheese is filled with a 1kg bag of dried chicken feet for my dog, a mandolin and an exercise mat. Trips to the supermarket can feel mundane and repetitive but I think we all appreciate the unpredictably and possible delight that middle aisle will bring. While I’m on the topic of appreciation, the price and selection of nuts is incredible at Aldi. And to end on a sour note, I’ll finish by saying that their checkout experience brings me nothing but stress, annoyance and arm ache from trying (in vain) to keep up with the pace of the scanning.
2 - waitrose
The shop that tests my self-control. I go in to pick up a pint of milk on my way home from work and I come out with feta-stuffed preserved lemons, a kilo of Dorset clams from the seafood counter and a jar of fermented apricot chilli paste. Oh, and I forgot the milk for being distracted by the assault of fascinating products lining the shelves. It’s like Disneyland for home cooking enthusiasts.
I haven’t been in store yet to see their newly launched essentials range, but I suspect all the usual cupboard staples will feature to appease their loyal customers: n’duja stuffed castelvetrano olives, rhubarb kefir, truffle hummus and a lovely, mellow Seville orange preserve to top your artisanal sourdough with before your morning reformer pilates class. If I could afford for Waitrose to be my daily haunt, they would be firmly placed at no1. For now, I’ll settle happily at…
1 - TESCO
Collecting clubcard point vouchers feels reminiscent of being a kid and collecting Gogo’s crazy bones (remember them!?) or Pokémon cards. Good environmental practices, good offers and wide aisles and bright lighting go a long way in my books. The old school dependable.